Compliments and More Relationship Talk/Some Uncomfortable Moments in Life

So I only put a few hours into Horizon Zero Dawn, I basically finished the beginning part and now I’m set on my own and I have to say I LOVE IT! I will get more into that at a later time, I’ll make a “thoughts on” post for the game when I get a little farther maybe just wanted to let you guys know plans for future blog. Also sorry this was actually supposed to be thoughts so far for Horizon Zero Dawn but I got carried away with talking about my day so yeah here ya go. My day and my failures as a social butterfly:

I’ve mentioned that I’m not the most sociable person in fact I suck at talking to people and today proves that! Today was weird by the way and I’m procrastinating as we speak but guess I can’t help that. I have this portfolio due on Friday that I keep putting off as well as this assignment where I have to lead a discussion. I keep putting off preparations even though I did want to get a head start on it. The portfolio only has 5 items in it and each item is 1 to 2 pages so not bad at all and I even ran an idea about writing one of the critical essays on a video game and he said yes so that’s pretty cool. Anyway yeah that only reason I bring this up is it is related to the topic of me being terrible at talking with people. So yeah let’s just talk about my day before I talk about this pretty awesome game.

So I wake up, almost sleep through class as my alarm goes off and I had this weird experience where I was half asleep or something. Basically had a dream I already went to class then there was some explanation in my head about how time was moving really slowly. It was weird like minutes were ticking by but taking an hour for a minute to go by and there was a scientific explanation in my head at the time about how time was moving. It was so weird. Also just a side note, another reason I’m talking about my day right now is because it was weird and I didn’t know how to take it and when I tried to explain it to a friend they just go “yeah” and start talking about their day. I want to say it’s like that quote from Fight Club talking about how everyone is just waiting for their time to talk instead of listening…Also sorry I broke the first rule…sorry about that.

Okay so yeah weird start with time not moving the way it should. Then I start walking to class and here’s where my mind shut down. Someone (get this) straight up complimented me. I mean what? I mean she just said “the pins on your backpack are really cool” and I didn’t register what she said and pulled my backpack off and looked at it going “Wait what??” and she just laughed and walked off. She gave me a simple compliment (well I guess complimenting stuff more than me personally but still nice). She complimented my backpack and I couldn’t say thanks or I don’t know be a normal human being and just reply like a normal human bean! I’ve always been bad at compliments though I’m never used to it and every time someone compliments me I laugh uncomfortably and say thanks then just walk away. Which is why when someone compliments me it probably won’t happen again for a while. It was one of those weird moments where I kept thinking about it afterward how I should have said something maybe I would have made a new friend over something simple like that. All the pins on my bag are nerdy so maybe she was a nerd outside of the walls of my group’s nerdy kingdom. I mean it just bothered me my whole first class today. I mean it’s simple, smile and say thanks and then just move on. How is that so complicated! So difficult! I don’t even know. When I was in high school and as you may already know all my problems are traced back to then. So there was this girl who would compliment me here and there and I told this to a friend today who was like “dude she probably actually liked you” or you know she was just being nice. That’s not the point I got this negative personality about myself because every time she would compliment me guess what? My asshole friend I mentioned before would be there to say “that’s not true.” And the thing is they were genuine compliments that I never get where I would actually be happy from hearing kind words. She gave me two compliments that I still remember because unexpected is unexpected. First one was she tells me I have a cute nose which might be kind of weird but I’m usually told I’m weird looking so if I look “cute” in some way that’s pretty cool I don’t know. Then she said I had a cool sounding voice which again not a lot of compliments like that. My friend was always there to tell me that what she was saying wasn’t true and I don’t know I just thought it was messed up telling someone that compliments said were not true. Made me doubt a lot of things honestly but the friend was just an asshole simple as that. Well okay I rambled enough about that. Spark Notes for this blog is I got complimented and it threw me off completely.

Also case number two for being terrible at speaking with people. I mentioned a lot earlier that I have to lead a discussion on Friday, well I finally talked to the professor about the portfolio also due which he asked me if I would be okay talking on Friday since I’m pretty quiet and I got kinda shaken up and just go “I think I got it, yeah I can do it, I got it” and he gave me this weird look, smiled and said “that’s good” and I walked away awkwardly like Napoleon Freakin Dynamite. So yeah I am terrible at talking with people, sometimes I think I’m okay then I get all shaken up by something. I’m glad I only have the portfolio and class discussion due on Friday I just really need to start on it, probably not tonight because I’m getting pretty tired. Maybe I’ll wake up early and get something done tomorrow. I also want to want to actually meet someone I think that’s why I was pretty upset about not being able to just say thank you to that girl for complimenting me. I mean two good friends of mine are pairing up it seems where I’m actually kind of annoyed with it. I mean I want them to be happy so I’m not going to say anything but basically it’s this. My friend just got out of a relationship and a week later is about to hook up with someone who I also hang around a lot where it’s like he’s never single and I guess I kind of miss having single friends. I have one friend who is single and he is always talking about asking this girl out. I always feel….left out? I don’t know I’m alright being single 24/7 but it gets pretty lonely being lonely you know? I mean okay this is going to turn into another rambling and I’m so sorry for that I just need to talk a little here without someone interrupting me to talk about their day.

So in my years of college there were three girls interested in me but they were all people I wasn’t interested in and I came to the painful realization that in high school there were people interested but I hate everyone including myself so I’m not going to do anything to ease my loneliness. I used to get annoyed with friends talking about setting friends up being like “oh they’re perfect for each other!” but I never had that someone that would make a “perfect pairing” with me you know? Maybe it’s good, meaning that I’m so weird no one can match that weirdness. I mentioned I don’t have crushes on people but it still gets lonely. So okay yeah I mentioned three girls who were interested in me in my college years. First we got someone I’ll call Emily. So this was Freshman year and I was completely alone I was at the point where I didn’t want to be around people anymore, high school was pretty bad, last two years people would reach out and I would push them away. So okay Freshman year of College I make one friend while going on this rock climbing trip and he was a pretty cool guy I’m still friends with him, huge ego but cool guy. He’s the kind of person that is nearly everyone’s friend. Later I meet another guy like that that I become friends with. So after that trip I’m on my own until I decide to go to this concert thing at the beginning of the year which was cool but there was this girl there named Emily who starts talking to me. She’s this shy nerdy person and I might sound like an ass here but I really need to be alone at times where if you keep trying to talk to me I’ll eventually just start ignoring you. I have friends now that understand that or I’m also a little better at socializing than before. Still not good but better than I once was. So yeah Emily starts talking to me after this concert and we have kind of an awkward conversation I get pretty quiet when talking to her. There was nothing there really but for whatever reason she gets my phone number from the first friend I mentioned where she starts texting me wanting to hang out the next day. We start just walking around campus talking about whatever mostly small talk where the first things get said that basically made me be like “if you’re looking for a relationship this won’t work out” So I like reading but I’m more of a video game person and she was the complete opposite which I know I know opposites attract or whatever but it was just one of those things where I was just like I don’t really know what to talk to her about. I mean I learned there’s more to talking than just common interests in video games and movies but still those are usually the start. So yeah I get kind of awkward here where I keep wanting to hang out with a group of friends and her instead of just her while she wants to just hang around me. She talks about hanging out with me being better than being in her room alone watching YouTube videos. Which I do that with pride by the way and I’m okay with it. So I get that she was probably lonely and just looking for a friend but I don’t know I’m just terrible I suppose. She kept texting me wanting to hang out where I would bring up homework where she would keep bugging me until I was done with homework where I just stopped responding. Then I get this loooong group of text messages when I tell her to stop bugging me where she starts going on about how we were similar and she shouldn’t feel bad about wanting to hang out. To me it just became a little weird. Also I should mention, my best friend I’m still friends with from high school I compare too many people to that person which I feel a little bad about but yeah.

Okay so next is the most uncomfortable I think I may have been in my whole life. Friends make jokes about it still but it actually made me feel dirty. So yeah things with Emily ended pretty quick where I got weirded out. I want to find this connection with someone that I see people have and whenever someone is actually thrown at me I’m just like no this person is weird. This is especially true with this next person. Alright so most uncomfortable story time. This is just a super blog post I don’t even care at this point just yeah. So there were game nights in this one area on campus that I would go to every now and then and there was a group of three girls that were basically the three witches from Hocus Pocus that ironically love that movie. So at one point before game night I was playing league of legends with a friend (I hate that game now) but she is talking to my friend’s girlfriend in the room and says she wants to be a Bartender. I mishear it as “Bear Tipper” and she laughs and boom not even kidding she likes me. It was bad. I’ll call her Alice. So at the game night she starts making comments and giggling while looking at me where I’m just like “uh okay” and one of my friends (we’ll get to her in a bit) mentions that she thinks Alice has a thing for me and of course I’m like “what? No she doesn’t!” and then about an hour later we start putting away games and here’s Alice asking me out. No really. She walks up to me and invites me to this movie night thing that I kid you not they called it mandatory roommate bonding where they would have to watch a movie together every Sunday. Movie night isn’t bad but mandatory is pretty terrible there. So she invites me to this thing and my friend standing there laughs and goes “told you!” and I’m just like “I hate you!” to her but anyway when Alice asks me to go to this thing I turn her down saying “Sorry can’t, The Walking Dead comes back on” which was not a lie I had a ritual going where I had to watch The Walking Dead every Sunday when the newest season was out. I hated moments in that show but I had to keep watching it, I love it I guess though it does make me mad. Anyway yeah I watch this episode and one of my friends keeps texting me asking me if I’m showing up. After a few messages I finally say sure. I don’t know if I was oblivious by the way but like my friend texting me, his girlfriend was bugging him being like “make sure Daryl is coming” which yeah I show up. Here’s the fun part. I meet up with a friend here I’ll call Mike who I’m still friends with that I didn’t hang out with too much til this point. He got invited by the two witches who invited him because their friend liked him which they hooked up and they’re still together.

This moment is so painful I have to split up the paragraphs. Just because I’m confusing myself here I need to give names so we have Mike and Christina (person he hooks up wit), Richard and Mary (another couple) then you got Samantha and Alice. So we are all in this apartment together and Mike later makes the joke about how out of place I was here. So we watch Despicable Me 2 which not a bad movie but Alice straight up starts stroking me and the couches were set up weird where I had to lean back or else Alice couldn’t see and yeah she kept telling me I was in the way and I hated it. Worst part is she started stroking my back and my back is kind of weird where I actually get chills go up my spine if someone touches my back so yeah that went on for a while. She never actually told me it was a date by the way she just started going on about how we would hook up without my say so. I didn’t make any moves that night so she wouldn’t take it the wrong way. I didn’t want her to think I liked her which yeah that ended there and I still give my friends crap over it telling them about how I blame them for everything. I mean there actually is another topic I want to cover but I’ll save that for another time I already briefly mentioned it in a previous blog anyway. So yeah those two couples are still together Richard and Mary went away pretty quickly and Samantha was just sorta there awkwardly 7th wheeling. So okay now I have to mention that previous friend since it is sorta a segway here. But yeah Alice and I hugged at the end of that night and that was it. By the way I’m not a fan of hugs I don’t know what it is but I can’t even hug my mom without just getting uncomfortable.

Alright anyway now let’s move on with this next girl who was interested in me. This one is kind of weird because I actually considered it…. So this was someone who kind of had a reputation in my friend group as being psychotic. She was cute though I’ll give her that but she did have issues. So okay I’ll call her Anna just so people don’t find me. So she dated two of my friends, one of them I can’t really talk to anymore. He’s the one that told me I wouldn’t understand when talking about Depression which that’s a previous blog if someone wants to read it. Anna dated another guy before that and they all laugh and talk about how crazy she was. She did have problems, she mentioned being bipolar before and she did piss me off here and there because she would get legitimately mad about things which I’m a ticking time bomb of rage and confusion so if we did hook up, it would not be a good pairing. I have to explain why though because my friends don’t get it and still make fun of me for almost hooking up with her. They always mention “I don’t think you would have actually hooked up with her” but I almost did… I was actually considering it. So she dated one guy and then they broke up but still hung around each other I always thought that was weird. She relied on him for everything, it was strange. So I don’t know what clicked here because we weren’t that close. She told me at one point that she had a crush on every guy in our friend group except me which as weird as it sounds I felt kind of left out. I mean I was really quiet at that point. I mean at this point which I think was a year later after talking to her more, we would hold hands here and there. I probably should have split these ramblings into separate blogs but we can’t stop now. So here’s where I started flirting with her in a weird way. We both loved Adventure Time and I always related to Lemon Grab (before he got fat and ate his brother…). Basically, just how weird Lemon Grab was and not having any social skills having trouble communicating to candy people. I honestly feel like a mix between Lemon Grab and Ice King from Adventure Time but yeah. Me and Anna would poke each other like Lemon Grab would with the other lemon and that was our way of contact. This is the part of the story where I actually am kind of pissed about it. I understand one part of it but the other part pisses me off. So we start to watch Community where it’s me, Mike, and Anna. Anna and I basically flirt as I mentioned just poking each other where we kind of cuddle on the couch. Kind of. Well Mike would get weirded out about it and talk about being uncomfortable which a reason this bugs me is I’m always the third wheel ALWAYS and that was the first time I wasn’t but then everyone around me starts talking about it being weird and a problem. It actually bothered me. I mean sure it’s weird when two friends start hooking up in front of you but it always happens. The part where I say I understand why someone was uncomfortable is another friend was with us and was her ex but still hung around Anna and yeah us flirting weirded him out understandably which I still feel terrible for that one where I actually started ignoring Anna there and she texted me sorry it was weird. As crazy she may be where I did hate her at times I still understood her at times which is why I considered actually hooking up with her. There were times where I didn’t and I just didn’t want to be around her. So yeah she starts texting me a lot and we start talking about random stuff basically play the question game asking each other questions. Also should mention although she was terrible at times and actually judgmental she actually would back off if knowing that you’re uncomfortable where she wasn’t pushy. I guess I liked that about her, unlike Alice she would actually read some situations and try her best not to make someone uncomfortable. I mean she still did weird stuff like hanging around her ex constantly. Which her ex would mention later about how relieving it is that she isn’t around anymore. I’m glad he’s actually happy now because he was not around her. I mean that’s the weird part, knowing someone that makes others unhappy and almost hooking up with them. Maybe I thought high of myself thinking I was more understanding about her and it would be okay but she did stress me out at times. She reminded me of my best friend and that was a factor in it. She would invite me to her apartment at midnight which I would go and watch Adventure Time with her and nothing would happen.

I’m sorry I keep rambling but I was never able to actually talk about this. The conversation weirds out my friends because we all hate her. I’m not giving much reason for that but it’s basically just she would pull the “if you didn’t show up to this you’re terrible friends” constantly. One of my friends was in a play for example and we talked to him about how we wouldn’t show up and he was like “Whatever plays aren’t for everyone” and Anna was like you guys are terrible friends! but we talked to him and he was alright with us not showing up to seeing him perform. It was all about supporting friends which yes you should but again this goes back to the mandatory thing, it shouldn’t be forced. Yeah we hated Anna for this and she would get mad about simple things (which honestly I get it…) I mean I was extremely lonely when hanging around Anna where something might have happened. I’m still lonely today I mean I think it’s good we didn’t actually hook up because she got mad at us in the end.

I don’t know if anyone gets this since my friends obviously didn’t. The reason I almost hooked up with this person, the reason I was flirting with said person. I mean it’s flattering you know? This might be a weird opinion but basically later I made the joke about her liking me and Christina actually goes “yeah she totally had a thing for you she used to ask me about how she should go about approaching you and would stare at this picture of you at the photo place” Though that might sound creepy they were in a photography class and the I took part in a photo shoot so yeah my picture would be in the lab and Anna apparently would stare at it. Christina talked about it being weird but it was nice hearing something like that? Like someone actually liked me though it would be weird. I mean Anna wasn’t a stalker so it’s not too weird but I don’t know I have trouble connecting and someone actually having a crush on me was just nice. It hardly happens and it was someone I was a little alright with. This probably sounds really weird saying it’s flattering but really just knowing someone actually liked you makes you think you might not be THAT bad you know?

Sorry I’m such a weird person I just started talking about this stuff and realize I wasn’t able to talk about it before I mean people think it’s weird I was actually happy someone liked me though they were a little crazy. She liked everyone in our friend group so maybe I shouldn’t think too much about it. Just nice for a while having a moment where you’re not the third wheel in the situation. It was kinda weird but still nice for the moment.

This might be my longest blog and I’m sorry I’ll stop talking now so I can go to sleep. I’m gonna post this still and if you actually read all this thanks that’s really nice. I understand if you don’t there’s a lot of nonsense here. Alright though thanks for reading and good night, good morning, wherever you’re at reading this, goodbye for now talk to ya later! Thanks again for reading!

 

 

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